Of course, I have no good reason. I could have gotten out of bed earlier. I just didn’t want to.
I never want to. I’m sorry, but there is nothing out there so urgent or desirable that I personally, internally feel the need to get up.
Externally, there are deadlines, commitments, other people waiting. I do hate to wait, I do understand how a tight schedule works. I see how it affects others. So I’ll make the effort.
But I FEEL none of it. I don’t care.
I’m taking public transit. It’s slow, it’s poorly run, so I’m made even later for depending on it. There’s a metaphor in there somewhere. I don’t have the energy to go looking for it, though.
At the end of the day it’s one big energy conservation project. I know how limited my resources are, I have to use them wisely. I can’t afford to get worked up or feel anything, that’ll just drain me dry and I’ll be a useless zombie for the rest of the day, even week, even longer. I can’t afford to think, my brain will shut down entirely. At least with the bare minimum I can pretend I’m functioning. You’re worthless if you’re not functioning. Now, how well you’re functioning, that’s your problem.
Apparently I’m depressed. There’s no sympathy for the depressed. You’re just being lazy and you need to pull yourself out of it and do whatever task you need to do.
What if the task feels pointless, though? What if the task feels pointless, AND you’re smart? You know it’s pointless and a smart person doesn’t waste their energy on pointless tasks. It’s a waste of time.
Why am I even alive? I’m barely living. Others are annoyed by my life too. Yet if I talk about killing myself they panic, demand I keep living.
So I just think about it privately now.
They don’t want to deal with you when you’re alive, but they’ll put on a show of emotion when you’re dead.